*Life isn't everything.
*The first hundred years are the hardest.
*Giving up caring is the hardest part.
*Living wired is the best revenge.
*God bless our wired home.
*On the Internet nobody knows you're not 18 and blonde.
*Chat rooms: where you can talk without putting your teeth in.
*Every day above ground is a victory.
*I love the smell of bedpans in the morning.
*Think of varicose veins as a 3-D tattoo.
*I wouldn't have any wrinkles if I was 5 feet taller.
*Who added Jack Kevorkian to my speed dialer?
*They say age builds character. Any questions?
*Never trust a funeral home with a timesharing arrangement.
*Life: birthstones, RollingStones, gallstones, headstones.
*Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
*Consciousness is that annoying time between naps.
*Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
*Old age is one big Out of Memory error.
*I've frozen and I can't reboot.
*I believe in granny-dumping. Leave me in Maui.
*Uh-oh... think I'm gonna upload breakfast.
*The older you get, the better you realize you were.
*Old age is a helluva price to pay for maturity.
*Nostalgia is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
*My friends may be dead but I've outlived my enemies.
*I never use snail mail. I don't know any snails to write to.
*At my age a mirror is a lethal weapon.
*Why is there a lifetime warranty on caskets?
*At my age just waking up in the morning is a thrill.
*I'm not deaf, I'm ignoring you.
*The Voices have assured me I'm not delusional.
*Question reality.
*Never trust a funeral home that has limited time offers.
*A friend in need is an enemy.
*Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most.
*Just waking up is a victory.
*Life is beautiful - then you wake up.
*First you're over the hill, then you're under it
*Whoever named them "The Golden Years" was full of falafel.
*Old age is like a river. I have no idea why
*Age doesn’t mean a thing. Old fiddles play the best tunes
*Old age is one long regret
*I feel like an extra in Dawn of the Dead
*Old age is a life sentence without a crime
*Old age is like a cabbage, for some reason
*Nothing makes you age faster than the thought that you're constantly growing older
*Senility is its own reward
*Only saints age well
*Old age is death without the peace and quiet
*Welcome to the Golden Ghetto
*Youth is a ripening. Maturity is a mellowing. Then comes spoilage and rot
*Your old age is a parody of your whole life
*I hope I never get so old I get religious
*Old people are dangerous: it doesn’t matter to us what's going to happen to the world.
*I give good advice because I can no longer set a bad example.
*Old women turn into old men, and vice-versa. It's the final insult.
*Old age is the punch line to a joke you've forgotten the rest of.
*It's awful listening to old fools talk when you cant get a word in edgewise.
*Living is the best revenge.
*When old age is in, common sense is out
*I supplement my Social Security by working for the psycho-friends network.
*Gravity is my worst enemy.
*Only the good die young.
*With age you gain both wisdom and hemorrhoids.
*I almost remember being young.
*One starts out young and foolish; then you lose the young part.
*Youth is wine; old age is spoiled vinegar.
*Youngsters think they're smart enough the way drunks think they're sober enough
*Youth is enthusiasm; old age is a fine mix of pessimism and regret
*Old people are frauds; they invent fine reasons for surviving in misery
*Youth is a dream; old age is a nightmare
*Youth is a time of missed opportunites; old age is the constant memory of them
*Youth is freedom, maturity indebtedness, old age irrelevance
*The light at the end of the tunnel is flatlined
*The spirit is willing, but the flesh is a bad joke
*Inside I'm still 16; what the hell happened to the outside?
*If life hands you lemons, they make great missiles when studded with nails and frozen solid
*People need an OFF switch
*Some people don't have the common sense to lie down and die
*If you can't face reality, watch the cartoons
*Die young while you can still enjoy it
*Strange... I've gone from well built to well hung
*He who fears age fears life
*Old age is a never-ending swan song
*Ancient ruins are considered beautiful-- why not people?
*Life is a joke; death is the punch line
*Decay is just another form of growth
*Boredom is the root of senility
*Senility is the gateway to politics
*I was born too late: I would have made a nifty witch
*Sanity is largely overrated
*Life would be better if we could just reboot ourselves now and then
*There's a fine line between madness and insanity
*Decrepitude: noble word, ignoble condition
*I need a CTRL-ALT-HUG
*Life is too short to worry about dying.
*If life was fun there would just be more people.
*Whimsy in the young is oddity in the old.
*Old age is an endless summarizing of a dull book.
*My... oh, what do you call it? ... isn't what it used to be.
*I'm so old my birth certificate has expired.
*Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
*The urologist here treats us as peers.
*They're recalling Firestones-- why not kidney stones?
*I don't suffer from bitterness. I enjoy every minute of it.
*Genuine stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time.
*Death before drooling!
*Life was that part between adolescence and obsolescence.
*Nobody survives old age. Nobody.
*The only way to attain great age is by starting young.
*In youth we run into trouble; in old age trouble runs into us.
*You are never too old to fail.
*Old age is when nothing is important and everything is vaguely amusing.
*Only wine and cheese improve with age.
*I'm so old my blood type has been discontinued.
*I outlived my doctor. Think about it.
*It scares me when people say how lifelike I look.
*I'm in the final scene and I still don't know what the play was about.
*They should have filmed "Survivor" here. The stakes are higher.
*There's snow on the roof and there's ashes in the furnace.
*Old age is a delightful mix of ugly, infirm and ridiculous.
*I'm 10% artificial and 90% pharmaceutical.
*Never trust stories about the afterlife from anyone who hasn't died.
*I blame my current condition on being born when I was.
*Life is forgetting: we don't remember being born and we don't remember dying.
*Dying is the last thing I want to do.
*If your time hasn't come not even the best doctors can kill you.
*Death is nature's way of telling you to stop worrying about dying.
*Having birthdays is better than the alternative.
*I used to get rid of dust; now I collect it.
*I'm old enough to be a confirmed pessimist.
*People accuse me of apathy, but I don't care.
*Old age is a summing up of all the things you can never do again.
*Powerlessness corrupts just as absolutely.
*Trust everybody, but count the spoons.
*She who laughs, lasts.
*My whole purpose in life is to be a warning to others.
*Anticipate the unexpected.
*Realizing you're a failure early enough in life saves an enormous amount of time.
*Some cures are worse than the disease.
*Anyone who smiles all the time is probably deaf.
*So the meek will inherit the earth. Then what?
*Every prince I ever kissed turned into a frog.
*If you have no solution, embrace the problem.
*Be yourself. Then quit while you're ahead.
*If opportunity knocks, never ask for ID.
*Amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're writing a will.
*Life always comes to a bad end.
*Only death makes everyone completely equal.
*Turn up the music. Misery loves accompaniment.
*I feel like an ambassador to the afterlife. Without portfolio.
*If we're suppose to live this long why aren't we made of better stuff?
*When you talk to God you're pious. When you listen to God you're nuts.
*Small mind equals big mouth.
*I'm not elderly; I'm simply dying slower than most people.
*Violence is the first refuge of the stupid.
*Pessimism is the last refuge of the unambitious.
*Life is like a donut. It's... It's... ...? Well, maybe not like a donut, then....
*Women are from Venus; men are from Hoboken.
*I could be pessimistic but I'm sure it would never work.
*I miss nostalgia.
*Half of all the people I know are below average.
*Life is a circle: we're born wet, feeble and ignorant and end up the same way.
*My personal hourglass is running on fumes.
*Whatever happened to forgetfulness?
*Once I could stop a clock; now I can't even wind one.
*I have nothing against change so long as it doesn't affect me.
*Revivals: in religion a comedy, in theatre a tragedy.
*I was repossessed by the Tooth Fairy.
*Anyone for bridge? A dental plate?
*Life here is just one long Maalox moment.
*With age comes wisdom... and incontinence... and impotence...
*Out of sight, out of mind around here means blind and insane.
*Life: Hatched, Matched, Dispatched.
*Marriage: the time between "I do" and "Adieu."
*If God is a woman, why did she give me 3 chin hairs, like an upside-down Homer Simpson?
*Don't blame me, I voted for the other one.
*Honeymoon: The time between "I do: and "I have a headache."
*I discovered the meaning of life years ago but forgot to write it down.
*Senility is really funny when it happens to someone else.
*We need wheelchair damage collision insurance.
*I tried to contain myself, but I escaped.
*My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
*I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
*Age doesn't always bring wisdom; it usually comes empty-handed.
*I avoid rolling blackouts by not drinking in my wheelchair.
*If it's nice to be wanted, what is it to be Most Wanted?
*Getting ducks in a circle is even harder. And forget about equilateral triangles.
*Life is worth living - just not my life.
*Repossession is nine-tenths of the law.
*Sometimes I stop to think and forget to start again.
*Fame is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
*I may live forever - so far so good.
*Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand.
*Today is the last day of my life, so far....
*When your mind goes blank, have the courtesy to turn off the sound.
*Therapy helps, but screaming is more fun.
*Fashions come and go; cheap bathrobes are timeless.
*Young fools usually survive to become old fools.
*Most of my future is behind me by now.
*Now that I've given up hope I feel much better.
*Remembering the good old days is the sign of a failing memory.
*Elderly is when the present is tense and the past is perfect.
*Why do people who have nothing to say talk so much?
*These days philosophers write for t-shirts.
*Doing nothing all day is tiring because you can't stop to rest.
*I'm old enough to know better but too old to care.
*At my age whenever I smell flowers I look around for a coffin.
*I'm determined to live forever, or die in the attempt.
*Life needs no road signs since the destination is inevitable.
*All roads lead to the cemetery.
*Recreation here is limited to camping out in an oxygen tent.
*Ignorance is bliss and most folks are quite happy.
*I'm determined to live forever, or die in the attempt.
*I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
*Life doesn't happen in chronological order.
*The Book of Life is incomprehensible, plus there's no index.
*Old age is when you find yourself talking in proverbs.
*At some point I gave up trying to overcome despair.
*Consciousness is not all it's cracked up to be.